Deep Six: The Movie!
by Fred the Wraith
Summary: Because you know it's going to happen one day! No violence, strong language or ships - though sarcasm does abound!
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing of the NCIS world. It's a pity. A real shame. Oh, also own nothing of the Playboy publishing empire (had to put that in there for the brief mention later)_

_AN: The only ship in this fic is friendship (cue the groans at the stupid pun)_

**Deep Six: The Movie**

When Tony DiNozzo strolled into the bullpen with a grin on his face and whistling a happy tune, Timothy McGee was worried.

Over the years that they had worked together, McGee had been cataloging Tony's various grins (out of self defense) and the one that DiNozzo wore now was a strange mix between 'I'm really, really happy' and 'I have something to torture McGee with' – the differences between the two were very subtle, but they were there. As DiNozzo gave a very chirpy 'Good Morning' to the two agents already at their desks, McGee's trepidation grew. "Where is our fearless leader this fine and wonderful morning?"

"…in MTAC. Why are you so happy?"

"Because the world is a shiny, happy place, Probie. By the way, you will never guess what I saw when I was watching the news last night."

"Wait. You watch the news?"

"Yes Ziva, I watch the news. This is not just a pretty face you know."

"Was it CNN? I saw that piece on the declining state of the education system and found it most interesting."

"…Okay, so it was the Entertainment news and the channel that it was on doesn't really matter right now. But like you, I saw something interesting as well."

"And what was that Tony. They have announced the latest Miss America?"

"No, that's next week. And personally, my moneys on Miss Idaho."

"Well, as fascinating as this is…"

"Patience is a virtue, Agent David."

"Who said I was virtuous, Agent DiNozzo?"

"…Good point. Anyway, guess which best selling writer has just sold the rights of his NCIS-based novel to a major motion picture studio?"

Tony's grin grew even wider and Tim sat frozen in his seat as Ziva slowly turned to face him. "Why did you not tell us that they were making a movie of your book?"

Watching as Ziva stood up and slowly stalked across the bullpen towards him, idly playing with the letter opener that she had been holding, McGee could only stammer a reply. "I…I never really thought that...that they would…I mean, my book…the deal was only signed yesterday!" Tim trailed off, mesmerized by the movement of the dagger-like object in the hands of the trained Mossad agent now standing next to him.

"Stand up."

"S…stand up?"

"You heard the lady, Probie! Stand up!"

As he rose slowly from his seat, McGee kept his gaze firmly on the letter opener, praying that she wouldn't use it to decapitate him. He didn't know if it was himself or Tony who was more surprised when she proceed to put down the letter opener, lean over and gently hug him.

"_Mazeltov, _Timothy. Congratulations."

And with that, she gave him a brilliant grin, went back to her desk and carried on with her work leaving a smiling Tim and a dumbstruck Tony. Realizing after a couple of seconds that she had heard nothing more from her colleagues, she looked up to see that McGee had sat down again and was now smiling at his computer, but Tony was still standing up, staring at her.

"What?!"

"…You hugged him."

"Yes."

"…but, you hugged him!"

"I offered him congratulations, as any good friend would do, DiNozzo."

"…but…you hugged him! You never show affection to anyone! Why don't I get an occasional hug?!"

"Tony, the day you have your written work published anywhere outside of the Playboy Letters to the Editor section, I will hug you. Okay?"

Ignoring the snickering coming from behind McGee's computer screen, Tony grumbled as he went back to his desk. Muttering about the unfairness of teammates in particular and life in general, he suddenly perked up as a thought crossed his mind.

"Hey! Who do you think will play me in the movie?"

**FIN…maybe.**

_AN: Well….what do you think? Should I leave it there or should I expand it into a story about how the NCIS team react to what they hear coming out of the movie set? So many possibilities! Also, _Mazeltov_ is Hebrew for congratulations (Thanks ME Wofford!)._


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I own nothing of NCIS, nor anything to do with the entertainment industry that is mentioned below. If any of the actors (named or implied) take offence at their casting in the movie, I do heartily apologise but also believe that you should take it as a compliment that I believe you able to fill the roles of my favourite characters. _

_And now…on with the story!_

**Deep Six: The Movie – Part 2**

… _Highly anticipated screen adaptation of the best selling novel 'Deep Six' is underway with the announcement of the script production. In an unexpected move the producers have decided to go with a relatively inexperienced writer to adapt the Thom E Gemcity book. In a statement issued by to the press, they stated that **'the movie will not be a straight adaptation of the book and as such,**__** we believe that having a fresh set of eyes on the material will elevate the movie beyond the excellent basis the book provides. Ms Charaes highly impressed us with the character development in the samples she submitted to us and we look forward to the finished script.'**__ As yet there have been no comments forthcoming from Mr Gemcity's representatives._

For Ziva David, there were times when the background noise of her team-mates as they plodded their way through mountains of paperwork was soothing. The indistinct murmur of DiNozzo hunting for the right key on his keyboard or the gentle beep of McGee's latest gadget had become almost relaxing.

This was not one of those times.

"McGee! If you do not stop muttering I will end your life using your pencil eraser and three paper clips!"

"…Sorry Ziva."

Spying McGee's downcast face as he turned back to his paper-laden desk, Ziva felt her anger decrease slightly and guilt edge in to take its place. "What is wrong McGee?"

Before Tim could form a reply, Tony's head popped out from behind his computer monitor. "Probie-wan-Kenobi over there is sulking because they wouldn't let him write the screenplay for the movie."

"I'm not sulking, Tony; I am just…concerned about the quality of the script."

Ignoring Tony's quiet "Yeah, right" and deciding that McGee needed to work on his Death Glare a little more, Ziva suppressed a smile and carried on with the conversation. "I would have thought that it would be …beneficial to have the author of the book write the screenplay based upon it. After all, would you not have the most knowledge of the story?"

"I tried telling them that but they said I was 'too close to the material' and that I don't have any screenplay experience."

"And the person they have hired does?"

"No! That's my point! She was hired because of 'good characterisation' but who knows the characters better than me!"

Spying Ziva's raised eyebrow and hearing Tony's disbelieving snort, McGee realised what he had just said. "…well, except for you guys…"

"Maybe you should offer your assistance to her, help her with the details."

"I tried that, all I got was a reply email saying thanks for offering but she doesn't need the help."

Taking pity on the young probie, DiNozzo spoke up. "Consider it this way, McGeek. Your work was good enough to inspire people. Take it as a compliment."

"Exactly, Tim. And besides, with someone else writing the script, you will have deniability."

"Huh?"

"She means that if the movie sucks it won't be your fault."

Smiling at the thought, McGee turned back to his work and an air of busy industry settled over the office again; disturbed only by Tony swearing as he accidentally deleted his file.

**NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS**

_Announced yesterday was the cast list for the upcoming film 'Deep Six'. With some real surprises appearing, we're left wondering if they are able to live up to the high expectations of the fans. Oscar winner Geoffrey Rush adds some weight to the character of Dr Desmond 'Fishy' Perch, but with the varied resumes of the other actors, we can't help but wonder…_

The forensics lab was slightly crowded as people waited for results to appear and since Gibbs was up in MTAC his agents took the opportunity to gossip about work, their lives and, in what had become a major talking point, the movie.

"Tony, repeating his name over and over again will not make me remember who he is any easier."

"Abs, help me out here. You know who he is, right?"

"Of course. Ziva, he was in the third one of those vampire movies we watched. The one that had the vampire Pomeranian."

"Was this Bryan person the one who was chained to the floor and tortured? The one with the scruffy facial hair?"

"Ryan. And yep."

"And he is playing you, Tony?" A raised eyebrow and a cynical smirk helped express Ziva's disbelief.

"Ziva, he's handsome, charming, funny, flirtatious…he could have been born a DiNozzo."

"True." Ziva paused for a moment, giving Tony half a second to preen before she carried on. "Although he will have to gain some weight for the role."

Patting Tony's stomach on the way past, Ziva went to stand with Abby in front of the computer screens.

"Well at least you two got cool people. I'm stuck with an ex-Disney kid who's worried about dying her hair black! What were they thinking?"

"That only Disney could produce someone as bubbly, perky and upbeat as you?" Bert the Hippo went flying by his head (making a rude sound on the way past) and Tony grinned at the Goth girl who had sent the stuffed toy on its impromptu flight. "Fight it all you want, Abs, even you can't deny that there's fairy dust in your blood."

As Abby's glare lessened marginally and a slight twinkle appeared in her eyes, Tony and Ziva went back to arguing about the movie. Tuning out their debate over the actor playing Gibbs ("It's not that I don't think he's a good actor, it's just that I don't think he has the level of …intensity." "That would be true of every actor, Tony."), she looked up when the Mass Spectrometer indicated that it had a result. Ignoring the now bickering duo in the corner, Abby smiled because she knew that soon Gibbs would enter and say…

"What have you got, Abs?"

Watching the two adults who had been squabbling like six-year-olds freeze and slowly turn to face their boss, Abby hid a grin behind the Caff-Pow cup that Gibbs had handed to her.

"Well, Major Mass Spec reports that the blood found under the victims fingernail contains two types of medication that are normally associated with the treatment of Cystic Fibrosis and Asthma respectively. Does that narrow down the field for you?"

"Narrows it down to one person. Thanks, Abby." Turning to face his agents, any trace of friendliness faded as he addressed them in a cool tone. "If you two are done debating my…intensity…we have a murderer to arrest."

"Yes Gibbs."

"Sorry, Boss."

As the lead team of NCIS made their way out of her lab, Abby smiled again. The actor may not be able to match Gibb's intensity, but judging by his performance in that movie with the airplane, he may just come close.

**NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS**

_…With the news that Pimmy Jalmer will not be included in the movie due to concerns about the characters' morbid tendencies, the fans have started speaking out…_

"…And if I hear one more word about it you will all be fired!"

As the closing of the elevator door punctuated his statement, Gibbs blew out an angry breath. Knowing that he would never hear the end of it if he took his anger out on Ducky, he used the time the elevator took to make the short trip down to Autopsy to calm himself. Entering the room, he could see Palmer working away in the background while Ducky was standing over the waiting body.

"What have you got, Ducky?"

"Not the bad mood that you obviously have, Agent Gibbs, but there are a few things that you will want to see."

"Sorry Duck. They were driving me crazy going on about that damned movie again."

"Can you blame them Jethro?"

"Yes." Ignoring Ducky's quiet laugh, he indicated towards the prone figure on the table. "What's the body tell you?"

"Ah yes, Private Kessell here managed to tell me that blunt force trauma was the cause of his untimely demise. There are a couple of bruises that Abigail is investigating further to see if she can determine the murder weapon, and she is also running the standard tests and panels as well. Other than that, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Thanks, Duck."

Turning to exit the room, Gibbs caught sight of something unexpected. "Palmer! What's that?"

"Um…it's a human liver, sir."

"Not that, Palmer. That." And with that, he indicated towards Palmer's chest where a bright yellow badge could be seen bearing the words 'Save Pimmy Jalmer'

"Um…it's for the movie…there's a petition running…"

Giving a growl of disgust, Gibbs walked past the stammering man and exited Autopsy. Just before the doors closed behind him, he caught a hesitant cry of "In my defence sir, Abby designed the website!"

**NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS**

_'Deep Six' is now out in the theatres and has earned the rare honour of not just commercial but critical success as well. With moviegoers flocking to screenings and even the toughest critics unable to find fault, it seems that this is one movie that won't fade out any time soon…_

It had been a bad day for all of them. What had started out as a simple drug possession investigation had quickly descended into a hostage situation gone horribly wrong. When the strung-out Lance Corporal had turned his gun first on his family and then himself, leaving four bodies behind, no-one in the team was happy about the case being closed.

Gibbs had sat at his desk for an hour writing up his report before abruptly slamming down his pen and leaving. The rest of the team kept their heads down, fearful of making his mood any worse. They had carried in for a little while themselves before Tony finally spoke up. "That's it. We can't do this tonight."

Ignoring the inquiring looks of his team-mates, he picked up his phone and dialled. "Ducky, hi. Are you able to take a break with the autopsies? Great. Meet us upstairs in about ten minutes. Oh, and bring Palmer with you."

Holding a hand up to forestall Ziva's question, Tony dialled another number. "Abs. Let the machines work on their own. Grab your bag and come up here, we're going out for a little while. Pick up Lee on the way if she's still in the building."

Putting down the phone, he grabbed his bag and packed up his desk for the night before turning to his questioning friends. "Look, none of us are going to get any sleep tonight if we don't do something to relax. Grab your gear and let's go."

Twenty minutes later found them in the lobby of the movie theatre a couple of blocks from the NCIS headquarters.

"You have got to be kidding."

"Just for that Probie, you get to buy the tickets. Seven adults for 'Deep Six' please."

Ignoring McGee's pouting as he reluctantly pulled out his wallet, the group paused at the concession stand to purchase the pre-requisite popcorn and candy before filing into the theatre. As they found a group of seats together, Tony turned to face the others. "Before this starts, I need to check something. Has everyone seen the movie already?" Grinning at the positive responses ranging from Palmer's slight embarrassment to Abby's blatant enthusiasm, Tony nodded with satisfaction. "Great. Comment where you feel it is necessary and don't hesitate to throw popcorn at McGee…sorry, McGregor."

And for the next two hours, that is what they did. From the cheers as various characters arrived on the screen to the gentle mocking of Tommy and Lisa's almost-kiss. From Ziva's running critique about how the actors handled their weapons to the respectful silence for the flashbacks to the death of Agent Kim Robb. They laughed, they cried, they threw popcorn at the bad guys (and Agent McGregor) and clapped as the team won through in the end. As the credits began to run and the lights came up in the room, the group stayed in their seats while the rest of the moviegoers made their way out.

With the actor's names making their way across the screen, Abby leaned over from her seat behind Tony and hugged him around his shoulders. "Thanks, Tony. We needed that."

Looking at the gentle smiles around him, Tony nodded. "I know." Squeezing Abby's arm where it was still laying across his chest, he sighed before gently disentangling himself. "Well guys, it's been fun but it's past the time where all good little NCIS employees should be asleep. Nothing worse then facing Gibbs in the morning with not enough shut-eye beforehand."

As they walked up the aisle, Ziva turned to Tony. "Should we have not invited Gibbs along?"

"Are you kidding? He's probably holed up in his basement waiting to shoot the first person that disturbs him. He has his own way to work things out. Who are we to interfere?"

And as the group exited the theatre, debating on whether or not they should go for coffee, none of them noticed the solitary figure sitting in the far corner. Turning his gaze from the laughing, relaxed group, Gibbs faced the screen as the credits stopped rolling and the final dedication appeared.

'Dedicated to the fallen but not forgotten members of NCIS. Heroes, one and all.'

With that, Gibbs rose, saluted those solemn words and left the room as they faded to black.

**NCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCISNCIS**

_In what would be a surprising turn of events for most summer blockbusters, NCIS has garnered not just one, but two Oscar nominations! Along with Geoffrey Rush's nomination for his charming and intelligent portrayal of Dr 'Fishy' Perch, new screenwriter Meg Charaes has been nominated under the category of 'Best Screenplay; Adaptation'. Best of luck to the both of them!_

They were all gathered around the plasma screen in the bullpen, not to view a suspect's profile, or to plot a possible destination, but for a much more…casual purpose.

"Will you guys shut up, they're reading the nominees!"

Earlier in the night there had been disappointment for the NCIS staff when Geoffrey Rush had lost the Best Supporting Actor Oscar, but in the words of Tony DiNozzo "When you're up against someone playing a blind, deaf and mute guy with a learning disorder, how could you possibly win."

So now they were waiting with baited breath for the Best Adapted Screenplay award. Some more so than others.

_Rob Matthews for Adventures in Various Times_

"Timmy, will you relax!"

"Sorry Abs, but this will be the first time I get to see who that …woman is."

_Kelly Mulhern for Random Strangers_

"Is McGoo still upset about that? Get over it already Probie."

"Seriously, guys, shut up. There she is!"

_Meg Charaes for Deep Six_

"Why does she look familiar?"

"Probie, isn't that your…"

"Sarah?"

"Oh my God, Tim, your sister is Meg Charaes! Its Sarah McGee all jumbled up…like Thom E Gemcity!"

"I'm going to kill her."

_And the winner is…_

"Don't be too hard on her Probie. She's just following in your illustrious footsteps…finding fame and fortune while hiding it from her friends and family."

_Meg Charaes!_

"Why do you guys have to keep on rubbing it in! I have already apologised a million times!"

"Tim."

"And it's not like you guys haven't keep secrets of your own!"

"Tim!"

"And one more thing…"

"TIM!!"

"What?!"

"She won."

Turning to face the plasma screen, Timothy McGee was stunned to see the slight figure of his sister ascend the steps and reach the podium in the middle of the stage to accept her little gold statuette.

"…She won."

_This…this is amazing. I have so many people to thank so I should start before the music does. Firstly, to the studio for giving a newbie a chance, you have my undying gratitude. To a certain group of people who really helped with the character's voices…you know who you are and you guys are great. To Mr Gemcity, for writing a fantastic book. And finally to my brother, for believing in me…no matter what. This one is for you, Timmy._

And with a final, brilliant smile at the camera, Sarah McGee walked off the stage of the Oscar ceremony, statue in hand and tears making her eyes shimmer.

"…Wow. She won."

Smiling as his friends and co-workers celebrated around him, one final thought ran through the head of Special Agent Timothy McGee.

"I'm still going to kill her."

**FIN…well not quite.**

_AN: My goodness, that took a long time to write. This was originally going to be in individual chapters, but it didn't read well, so it became one monster chapter. Well, there will also be an epilogue along in a couple of days. Now, there are some points to clear up so bear with me._

_The casting of the movie was so tricky that it took several of my friends (Selina and Janine rule!) and a lot of debating for us to even decide part of the cast list, and even then, we couldn't find a great actor for every character. Ryan Reynolds as DiNozzo and Geoffrey Rush as Ducky were the two immediate decisions, and as for Abby's character…you can take your pick from the ex-Disney crowd – Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, Ashley Tisdale and even Miley Cyrus were considered! But since we couldn't figure out who could play the central characters of Gibbs and Ziva, I ended up not making a definite decision (though seriously considered for Gibbs were Harrison Ford and Kurt Russell)._

_Finally, thanks for all the great reviews…they're what keep us writers going. Hint hint hint…_


	3. Conclusion

_AN: I made mistakes!! I hate making mistakes and have now gone back and fixed them (hope this hasn't caused too much confusion). Thanks to ME Wofford, Meria.XX, TimeWitch15 and archiev for highlighting them for me. This only goes to prove that i need a Beta reader. Anyway, here is a little epilogue as an apology._

**Deep Six: The Movie - Epilogue**

Arriving home after a hellishly long drive due to an accident on the freeway, Timothy McGee was greeted by the frantically flashing light on his answering machine. Dropping his coat and gym bag on the floor and dumping his keys on the table, he hit the replay button on the machine and headed towards his kitchen as a pre-recorded voice started to filter through the room.

_You have …four…new messages_.

Frowning at his fridge contents as he tried to remember where he had stashed the bread, he tuned in to the familiar voice of his Publishing Agent.

_Tim, it's me. Just to let you know that the studio is starting to make noises about your second book. Don't be an idiot and tell anyone in case it starts rumours and weakens our bargaining position. Call me. _**Beep**

Giving a small 'Aha!' of triumph upon spotting some mould-free cheese, Tim wondered why he didn't fire someone who obviously didn't care all that much about him as a person, and who had virtually no social skills. Then he remembered that she was a heartless, cut-throat bitch who would work herself to the bone in order to get the best deal for herself and therefore for her client as well. Maybe he wouldn't fire her just yet.

_Good Afternoon, Mr McGee. This is Dave down at the dealership. I am calling to let you know that your new car has arrived, and would you like to make an appointment to come in and pick it up? We look forward to hearing from you_. **Beep**

Cool. Tim added some lettuce to what was becoming a monster sandwich.

_Timothy McGee, I know you took it! When I said in the speech that this was for you, I didn't mean that you could take it! Okay, so you wrote the book, big deal. I wrote the screenplay, and it was the screenplay that won the Oscar, so if you don't give the award back to me by the end of the week there will be vengeance! I mean it!_ **Beep**

Tim glanced at the small gold statuette that currently resided on his desk next to his typewriter and, remembering the various acts of vengeance that Sarah had committed over the years, made a mental note to return it along with a note of congratulations and a gift. Next week.

_Timmy! Pick up! Pick up now!_

Grinning as he heard Abby's familiar tones, McGee tripped and stumbled over his gym bag as he went to sit down on the couch.

_You mustn't be home yet. Damned traffic! Anyway, everyone's already at my place to grab costumes for the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. Ziva claimed Magenta and Lee took the Janet costume so I'm going as Columbia and Palmer grabbed the Brad outfit. Ducky already had dibs on the Narrator and Gibbs…well, I'm trying to get him to go as Eddie, but that might take a miracle. Anyway, the movie starts at nine and it's just you and Tony still to arrive, and only Rocky, Riff-Raff and Dr Frank N. Furter costumes left, so you might want to arrive soon. Really soon_. **Beep**

Ignoring his sandwich and staring at the clock on the wall, Tim swore as he noted the time. If he left right now, he might be able to beat Tony to Abby's place and snag the Riff-Raff costume. The last thing he wanted was to end up in either a corset and suspenders or in a gold Speedo.

Grabbing his coat and wallet, he almost ran out the apartment door, tripping over his gym bag again on the way out.

And only remembering about his keys on the table as the door locked behind him.

**FIN.**

_AN: Again, sorry for the mistakes. In the immortal words of Master Sergeant Walter Harriman "I feel so stupid"._

_Fred the Wraith Queen_


	4. Apology

**Apologies: a Cautionary Fairy Tale**

Gather 'round children, and let me tell you a story about Fred the Wraith Queen.

Now Fred was a Wraith Queen who really enjoyed writing stories and letting other people read them. One day, Fred posted a story that was enjoyed by many people, but some noticed that Fred had made some mistakes.

Now repeat after me; _'Stupid, stupid Wraith Queen.'_ Well done!

Fred was very embarrassed by her mistakes and decided that she was going to fix them, so she re-wrote the parts that were wrong and went to post the changes in the website. But when she tried to post them, she accidentally deleted the chapters that had already been written!

All together now; _'Stupid, stupid Wraith Queen.'_

Fred panicked, said a couple of very naughty words, and then tried to re-attach the chapters that had been deleted. This took her several tries and several more very naughty words before she managed to get it done, but finally she managed to reattach the chapters and even posted an epilogue to the story. Fred felt horrible for the people who would receive notices telling them about new chapters that were really old chapters, but she felt better when she realised that these people would have a shiny new chapter to help make them feel better.

A couple of days later, Fred noticed that not that many people had said anything about her shiny new chapter and, feeling slightly paranoid, checked to see what had happened. To her horror, she discovered that while the new chapter had posted, all of her messing around had meant that the story had not been moved back to the top of the list, and that not everyone knew that there was a new chapter!

One more time, children; _'Stupid, stupid Wraith Queen.'_ You are all getting so good at that!

So, concerned and embarrassed, Fred decided to write an explanation and an apology to all the people who read her story, hoping that they would understand.

**The End.**

Now children, what is the moral of this story?

That's right! Never Trust a Wraith Queen with Technology! There's a reason that the drones fly the ships. Because you were such a great audience, cookies and gold stars for everyone!


End file.
